Song

"Oi," said a voice "I have gone around the bend (of the teapot) to be here and see you there."
"Teapot Me I see you there and wonder why you're here," I replied.




"It is time," he said "for me to sing the Teapot Song to you."
I looked at him and he did nothing, so I fell asleep. Then he began to sing...




"I come from a distant place
It's where I have my dinner
You must be off your face
To see me in the inner.

I am you as Teapot Me
And we are me and you
If you'd like a cup of tea
Then we could have one too.

I often talk a lot of shite
When saying what I think and do.. yo
I stuffed my teapot up a pipe
And blew it out the window."

I woke up and blew out the window *pffft* then fell asleep again.

Camouflage (illustration friday)

On Wednesdays I become a master of disguise and secretly practice my art. This time I completely camouflaged myself in a park, then I shouted..

"I AM A TREE AND I WANT SQUIRRELS UP ME!!!"

People completely ignored me which proved it worked.

Not Here

I know where I am but I don't want other people to know, so I shouted..
"I'M NOT HERE I AM IN LIVERPOOL!!"
Then I changed my mind..
"I'M MOVING TO REYKJAVIC!!"




I closed my eyes as my mind travelled to Reykjavic by boat, knowing no-one knew where I was because I was out of my mind using an ancient mind technique called Teapot Power.

"I AM THE MASTER OF TEAPOT POWER!!"

"NO-ONE CAN SEE ME!!!"

Message

"Hello," said a voice as I looked in the teapot, and the voice continued "I have travelled to you from a parallel teapot universe with a message."
"You're Teapot Me with a message," I said.
"I know and I want you to know what the message is, the message is this, this is the message, this message is this, I've forgotten what the message is, the message is I've forgotten it. Now I must leave you."

It was a lot to remember but I did my best and it's helped me ever since.

Holiday Photo

This person was on holiday and wanted his photo taken with a typical local person as a souvenir, so I suggested myself then showed him a local wall that's good for sight-seeing. Then I sang to him by shouting..

I'M WALKING IN THE AIRRRR
IT'S GOOD TO GET ABOUT
THEN I BLOW EVERYWHERRRRE
AND *pffff... ...ffffftt* BLOW IT ALL OUT!!!"

I offered him a guided tour of fences and walls but he said he had to go.

Orders

I was shown where the menu was before I ordered and said, "I only want the jacket potato if it's got it's trousers on and the chef must have his on too. I would also like to order a pint of cappucinno without a cap, and after that I will have a chocolate cack. Thank you my good man."

Having A Laugh

"So anyway," I continued "here's another one of my jokes...
Who is the world's smallest detective?
... Molecule Poirot!!
AAAAHH HAA HAAAAAAAAA!!!"





"You get it? Instead of Hercule Poirot it's MOLECULE Poirot... HHAAAAA HOO... a molecule is very small WOOOAAAAAHHHH HAAAAA HA HAAAAARRGGHH!!!!!!!"

Newspaper

I was reading about The Velvet Underground and found out they were'nt made of velvet, and it also said the underground was'nt under the ground.

I don't know if I should believe the newspaper sometimes.
"Shut up," I said "you big wind-bag of lies.. you're not news or made of paper and ANYONE CAN SEE THAT!!!"

Telephone

"Hello, I don't know where my deckchair is," I said.
"Who is this?" asked someone.
"This is BoiledEggInADeckChair. Who are you?"
"This is MI6, hold the line a moment whilst I put you through to someone.... .... ....Hello, this is MI6 Deckchair Department, it appears you've lost your deckchair."
"Yes I know. Can you tell me where it is?"
"No it's a secret, but if you find it then let us know and we'll tell you where it is because it won't be a secret anymore."
"That sounds like a good idea, thank you."

Spinning Tunes

"Yo DJ," I said "I have travelled to yo from the other side (of the dance floor) word up. CAN YOU HEAR ME!!?? I think that you think you can control people's thinking with your dial controls."




"But I want you to know that it's me who controls you, so if you don't spin 'Black Betty' by The Ram Jam Band on your decks I'll drink your beer and piss up your T-shirt."




He said "spin on this" and suddenly I spun...





...until the inside of my mind travelled to the other side, and then it went up the chimney and into the night sky, and I began to sing...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE OUTSIDE
OF MY MIND HAS GONE
I THINK IT WANTS TO HIDE
AND SOUND LIKE A GONG
GONE WRONG."

"WRONG GONG RON!!!

LONG GONE GONG!!!!

DING DONG BONG!!!!!!"

Doctor In The House

On Tuesdays I open my free doctor's surgery on a bench in town.
"Doctor BoiledEggInADeckChair, my knee has been breaking wind since you ***ppfft*** operated on my elbow," said this patient.
"You mean your knee farts?" I asked.
"Yes ***pppfffft*** it does," he replied.
"Was that your knee?"
"No that was me... ***PPPFFFFFTT*** ..but that was my knee."
"Mmmmm I see."





"Well," I said "I think you should know what I want you to know, and what I want you to know is this.. you must stay away from me for ten years and wear a space suit."
"***PPPFFFFTT*** oh no," he replied.
"Yes, and I'll write a prescription for your space suit, it's a National Health one so don't go to space in it or you'll die."
"Okay doc if you say so ***PPPPPFFFFFFFTTTT***."





"I'M HEALING THE SICK AND MENDING THE LAME
THEY FART AND THEY CLICK AND I AM TO BLAME
AAARRRGG HA HAAAAA," I shouted.

These two where impressed by my medical skill I could tell.

'Suit' (illuStratiOn friDay)

Superman's suit was'nt meant
To go and blow away
Now he'll be Clark Kent
Every Saturday
And Wednesday
Monday
Oneday
Sunday
Funday
Friday
Whyday
Thursday
Purrsday
Tuesday
Boozeday
Bogday
Frogday
Clogday
Cogday
Blogday
Whatday
Whereday
Whenday
Howday
Wowday
Dogday
Godday
Goodday
Gidday
Midday (Midway)
Bidet
Bigday
Wigday
Payday
Mayday
Sayday
Playday
Awayday
Heyday
Legday
Pegday
Fugday
Tugday
Chugday
Hugday.

"Oh bugga," he said.

YouR paRadise (illustratIon friDay)

I don't know what your paradise is but mine is when I relax so much I fall asleep and fall out of my deckchair to dream. The daisies appeared and said something...
"Hello BoiledEggInADeckchair, we know you're dreaming about us talking to you."
"Yes I am," I said "and I want you to know that I'm going to sing to you...

I can see the daisies
They're standing in the breeze
I can hear the daisies
And want to break their kness"

I don't know what they thought because I fell asleep in the dream and dreamt about Harold Pinter and dung heaps instead.