Orders

I was shown where the menu was before I ordered and said, "I only want the jacket potato if it's got it's trousers on and the chef must have his on too. I would also like to order a pint of cappucinno without a cap, and after that I will have a chocolate cack. Thank you my good man."

Having A Laugh

"So anyway," I continued "here's another one of my jokes...
Who is the world's smallest detective?
... Molecule Poirot!!
AAAAHH HAA HAAAAAAAAA!!!"





"You get it? Instead of Hercule Poirot it's MOLECULE Poirot... HHAAAAA HOO... a molecule is very small WOOOAAAAAHHHH HAAAAA HA HAAAAARRGGHH!!!!!!!"

Newspaper

I was reading about The Velvet Underground and found out they were'nt made of velvet, and it also said the underground was'nt under the ground.

I don't know if I should believe the newspaper sometimes.
"Shut up," I said "you big wind-bag of lies.. you're not news or made of paper and ANYONE CAN SEE THAT!!!"

Telephone

"Hello, I don't know where my deckchair is," I said.
"Who is this?" asked someone.
"This is BoiledEggInADeckChair. Who are you?"
"This is MI6, hold the line a moment whilst I put you through to someone.... .... ....Hello, this is MI6 Deckchair Department, it appears you've lost your deckchair."
"Yes I know. Can you tell me where it is?"
"No it's a secret, but if you find it then let us know and we'll tell you where it is because it won't be a secret anymore."
"That sounds like a good idea, thank you."

Spinning Tunes

"Yo DJ," I said "I have travelled to yo from the other side (of the dance floor) word up. CAN YOU HEAR ME!!?? I think that you think you can control people's thinking with your dial controls."




"But I want you to know that it's me who controls you, so if you don't spin 'Black Betty' by The Ram Jam Band on your decks I'll drink your beer and piss up your T-shirt."




He said "spin on this" and suddenly I spun...





...until the inside of my mind travelled to the other side, and then it went up the chimney and into the night sky, and I began to sing...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE OUTSIDE
OF MY MIND HAS GONE
I THINK IT WANTS TO HIDE
AND SOUND LIKE A GONG
GONE WRONG."

"WRONG GONG RON!!!

LONG GONE GONG!!!!

DING DONG BONG!!!!!!"

Doctor In The House

On Tuesdays I open my free doctor's surgery on a bench in town.
"Doctor BoiledEggInADeckChair, my knee has been breaking wind since you ***ppfft*** operated on my elbow," said this patient.
"You mean your knee farts?" I asked.
"Yes ***pppfffft*** it does," he replied.
"Was that your knee?"
"No that was me... ***PPPFFFFFTT*** ..but that was my knee."
"Mmmmm I see."





"Well," I said "I think you should know what I want you to know, and what I want you to know is this.. you must stay away from me for ten years and wear a space suit."
"***PPPFFFFTT*** oh no," he replied.
"Yes, and I'll write a prescription for your space suit, it's a National Health one so don't go to space in it or you'll die."
"Okay doc if you say so ***PPPPPFFFFFFFTTTT***."





"I'M HEALING THE SICK AND MENDING THE LAME
THEY FART AND THEY CLICK AND I AM TO BLAME
AAARRRGG HA HAAAAA," I shouted.

These two where impressed by my medical skill I could tell.

'Suit' (illuStratiOn friDay)

Superman's suit was'nt meant
To go and blow away
Now he'll be Clark Kent
Every Saturday
And Wednesday
Monday
Oneday
Sunday
Funday
Friday
Whyday
Thursday
Purrsday
Tuesday
Boozeday
Bogday
Frogday
Clogday
Cogday
Blogday
Whatday
Whereday
Whenday
Howday
Wowday
Dogday
Godday
Goodday
Gidday
Midday (Midway)
Bidet
Bigday
Wigday
Payday
Mayday
Sayday
Playday
Awayday
Heyday
Legday
Pegday
Fugday
Tugday
Chugday
Hugday.

"Oh bugga," he said.

YouR paRadise (illustratIon friDay)

I don't know what your paradise is but mine is when I relax so much I fall asleep and fall out of my deckchair to dream. The daisies appeared and said something...
"Hello BoiledEggInADeckchair, we know you're dreaming about us talking to you."
"Yes I am," I said "and I want you to know that I'm going to sing to you...

I can see the daisies
They're standing in the breeze
I can hear the daisies
And want to break their kness"

I don't know what they thought because I fell asleep in the dream and dreamt about Harold Pinter and dung heaps instead.

Cars (illustratiOn fridaY)

This is the first car made in Britain in 1865. Queen Victoria used to drive it in Royal Parades until she dug up all the roads.

Nowadays it's used for Roadworker's Parades where a worker parades in the same place he did last week.

"DIG IT MAN!!!" I shouted. He said he would ****ing dig me if I did'nt **** off (which Queen Victoria said to the crowds).

I've Been Tagged

"Hello," said a voice.
I looked and saw myself in a teapot.
"I come," it continued "from a parallel teapot universe to yours and I have to tell you seven weird things about yourself."
"Go on then," I said.


"Number Seven..
You were boiled in a saucepan by Arkan Barkum in a secret way on a Tuesday.

Number Four..
You talk to yourself in a teapot.

Number One..
You hav'nt got a hole.

Number Five..
You think a cuckoo is a coot and a coot thinks you're a cuckoo.

Number Three..
You posted a book about Leonardo Da Vinci to him because you coloured-in his drawings and wanted to know what he thought, and he wrote back and told you.

Number Two..
You invented clip-on planets but left them on a bus (a big bus).

Number Six..
You once made a kaleidoscope out of a dead cat."


I said "Teapot Me, I want you to know I'm looking at you looking at me and I know you know that I know you know I know that."



I was tagged by Perriette and am supposed to tag seven other people but I won't because I don't know seven other people plus I WILL NEVER BE CONTROLLED BY ANYONE!!!!!

Communication

I fell asleep and accidently made the phone ring. Someone picked it up so I said..
"Hello. I am the chief of the Weh Thu-Foo Kawii Tribe. We don't know where we are."
WEH THU-FOO KAWII!!!!????"
Then I woke up without knowing where the Weh Thu-foo Kawii are.

Signs (Illustration fridaY)

Today I went whale-spotting in town. One of the sure signs of a whale is when it blows water with it's blow-hole.
"WHERE ARE YOU!!??" I shouted, "YOU CAN"T HIDE FROM ME.. I KNOW YOU'RE SOMEWHERE!!!"

Bird Spotting

"BLOW YER CUCKOO
YER BIG FAT COOT!!!".. I shouted...




"...THROW YER COCKATOO
AT A CLOCK OR TWO!!!"




"... STUFF YER BEAK
UP A PARAKEET !!!!"




I looked at it and it said nothing.




I shouted
"I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I WANT TO THROW
MY DECKCHAIR AT YO
BUT I AM ASLEEP-O
YOU DUCK-FACED BAT!!!!"

It was time to go home so I did.
"You don't control me I CONTROL YOU!!!

'Neighbour' (Illustration friday)

Mrs Abercrombie
Walks around the floor
She's become a zombie
And can't find the door.

If you (Mrs Abercrombie) had a turtle
It could be your friend
You could call it Myrtle
And go around the bend.

'Remember' (Illustration Friday)

Cuckoo






Hello






Shut up




Look
















(He can't remember everything).

Big And Hairy

Today someone looked at me and I shouted
"BIG HAIRY CUCKOO!!!"

Fast

This road travels at 65,000 miles-an-hour through space. I sent an email to NASA telling them the sign is wrong and still nothing has been done about it.

The Underworld

This is the entrance to The Underworld.



The people inside told me they live in a world of never-ending darkness because they ate the light-bulb.

Water

I fish without a line because I don't eat fish. I sing to them instead..

"I see you fish
You're not my dish
You're full of pish
Laaa la-laaa
Big fat pish."



This water is good for relaxing and sight-seeing (I fell asleep and could see what I saw).

Magic Twigs

Sometimes I go to The Place Of Magic Twigs




and I cover myself with them




then I dream about The Red Tree...

"I am The Red Tree. What do you want?"
"I want to listen to you sing."
"Okay then."

(Sings)..

"I dreamt a dream about a turtle
Living in a lovely way
Then I picked it up and hurtled
It across the motorway
Hey hey."

"Did you like that?" asked The Red Tree.
"Yes very much, thank you," I replied.




Then I usually wake up somewhere like a shop (I don't know why) and shake hands with people.

Theatrical

Here I saw William Shakespeare with his friends shopping in Ikea for a bed, it was the worst play I've ever seen.

Shiny

Here someone suspends balls in a line and blows a horn at them, there's nothing else to do on Monday evenings.

The World

This is me with Steptoe and Son calculating how far away the world is, and we wonder if anyone can see us.

Dalek

It looks for Dr Who whilst I look at it's can-opener.

Sticks

This man rubs two sticks together to make fire (I watch to see if he sets his head alight).