Ghosts Are Real

This photo shows what an Australian ghost looks like and proves they exist and that they are nearly as scary as living Australians. It said...

"Gidday yer pommie cobba bastard, I don't wanna piss in yer pocket but it's been hard yakka since I karked and I ain't no Fred nerk I'm fair dinkum and full as a boot."
"Pardon?" I said.
"Yeah I can't hop into the grub for a snag any more and me apricots are jaked but I hav'nt seen any white pointers anyway phwwooaaahhh I just cut the dog in half and ripped me freckle..." etc etc.

It was speaking an unusual language and had a ballon and pisses 'amber' whilst it flies around.

My New World

Today I found some new planets in town, then I decided to live on one on a part-time basis. I'm going to call it Boris and visit it when I need a break.

Here I'm telling Boris that I control it now and I will be sight-seeing and relaxing occasionally.

"I'M ON TOP OF THE WORRRRLLLLLD AND IT'S ALL MINE!!!!

I CONTROL BORIS!!!!"

Ginger Rage

'Hello," I said "I like your face."




"I thought it was a ginger biscuit. Some people call them ginger nuts, I expect you've seen them."




"I imagine you like a big ginger beer sometimes.. Oh well I better go now, I need to buy some ginger-bread men."

I can't seem to talk to some people these days without upsetting them.

Teapot Power

I was looking at a sign that was looking at me.




"Hello here there and everywhere," said a voice behind me.
"Teapot Me it's you!" I replied.
"I want you to know," he continued "that I want to talk and say to you and tell you something by saying it to you when I'm talking."
"Oh good."




"I will demonstrate what Teapot Power is capable of by saying the Special Words," he said.
"Hurry up then," I replied.




"BRING THE POWER OUT
STUFF IT UP A SPOUT
BLOW IT IN THE AIR
STUFF IT EVERYWHERE!!!" he shouted. "Now, look at the sign and see what it says."




"That is a wonderful power, Teapot Me!" I exclaimed.
"Yes it is mighty indeed. Now I must rest for a day and a night.. farewell," and he was gone. I went inside and shouted "TEAPOT POWER!!!" and kept doing what the sign said until they threw me out.

Emergency

I don't fly any more because the last time I did the stewardess said to me..
"I can make your seat higher." But I thought she said "I have started a fire."
"OH NO!!" I replied.
I decided the best thing to do was open the door and fly away, so I did.

I could only fly downwards and I crashed through the roof of the Accident & Emergency Egg Hospital, which was lucky except my deckchair was bent.

In The Sky

I was relaxing on holiday a couple of weeks ago, minding my own business, when I noticed something in the sky that had someone in it.
"Hello BoiledEggInADeckchair," it said.
"Hello'" I replied.
"I am The Keeper of The Gateway of Wishes."
"Oh."
"Answer three questions correctly and you win a wish that I will grant you."
"Get stuffed."
"The first question is, what do you do when you are very hungry?"
"Get stuffed."
"Correct. What does a chicken do before it goes in the oven?"
"Get stuffed."
"Correct. If you were a rabbit-hole and a fat rabbit walked in, what would you do?"
"Get stuffed."
"Correct. You have won a wish, what is it you want me to do for you?"
"Get stuffed."
"Very well I shall, farewell."
"AT LAST!!!"

Eye Pipe

This is an eye pipe that makes it possible to see things that cannot be seen without it, and this person makes it possible for me to see with it.




I looked in the pipe and saw a big ball and wondered who lived on it.




"HELLOOO!!!" I shouted in the pipe.

"HELLOOO!!!" shouted a voice from the sky (it sounded like me).

My Holiday Photos

Hello. I want you to know these are my holiday photos seeing as Perriette mentioned them. But I am not being controlled by Perriette because I control her with my teapot.





The seagulls filled the sky.




An alien crosses the road on Monday. It might have been going to work, I don't know.




Swans are'nt hairy but I like them.




There was a cat.




There was a window.




A flying tent.




A tortoise crosses the beach.




I saw the sea.



That's some of what happened whilst I was there, nothing happened at home until I got back.

Poem (iLlustratiOn fridaY)

I hate poems and I write them sometimes. This one I wrote whilst hating it..


"The Wind Hates My Umbrella And I Hate The Wind"

'You blow your bag of wind and air
At me through an invisible pip
My umbrella is now over there
Because you hate to see me with it.

I hate you wind
I hate you.

Get stuffed."

Peaceful

It was a peaceful day with no-one about, so I shouted
"PISS BAGS!!!".

Holiday

I'm going on holiday to a far away place for two weeks so won't be here but elsewhere. After two weeks I won't be away any more I'll be back here. I don't know where everyone else will be or when but I expect they know about that, they can look after themselves. If you are not them you can't be me, so I don't know who you are but I hope you do. Thank you.

Night Hawks

When the moon is full (I don't know what with) I sit in The Sacred Seat and call upon The Bird Spirits..

"Hixum trixum
Hear me call
From head to bum
To one and all."




Then suddenly they appeared inside my mind.

"We are here
Have no doubt
And it's clear
We're far out."





I replied in the traditional way...

"I do find
Upon this moonlit night
You are kind
To wear your hat of shite."

Bubbles

One of my favourite ways to relax is to hide behind a glass of water and think about it. I wrote a poem doing this once...

"I can hear what the water thinks
And I think that I will find
It's me who's thinking in the drinks
With the bubbles of my mind."

Baby Sitting

"You great big baby, I want you to know that you're not the one who controls me because I'M the one who contro.." **POW**

Know And Not Know

There was a cuckoo in the newspaper today, and I said in my mind "You might be looking at me but I want you to know I know you don't know what I'm thinking about."
"You're thinking about me," it said.
"Oh."

Song

"Oi," said a voice "I have gone around the bend (of the teapot) to be here and see you there."
"Teapot Me I see you there and wonder why you're here," I replied.




"It is time," he said "for me to sing the Teapot Song to you."
I looked at him and he did nothing, so I fell asleep. Then he began to sing...




"I come from a distant place
It's where I have my dinner
You must be off your face
To see me in the inner.

I am you as Teapot Me
And we are me and you
If you'd like a cup of tea
Then we could have one too.

I often talk a lot of shite
When saying what I think and do.. yo
I stuffed my teapot up a pipe
And blew it out the window."

I woke up and blew out the window *pffft* then fell asleep again.

Camouflage (illustration friday)

On Wednesdays I become a master of disguise and secretly practice my art. This time I completely camouflaged myself in a park, then I shouted..

"I AM A TREE AND I WANT SQUIRRELS UP ME!!!"

People completely ignored me which proved it worked.

Not Here

I know where I am but I don't want other people to know, so I shouted..
"I'M NOT HERE I AM IN LIVERPOOL!!"
Then I changed my mind..
"I'M MOVING TO REYKJAVIC!!"




I closed my eyes as my mind travelled to Reykjavic by boat, knowing no-one knew where I was because I was out of my mind using an ancient mind technique called Teapot Power.

"I AM THE MASTER OF TEAPOT POWER!!"

"NO-ONE CAN SEE ME!!!"

Message

"Hello," said a voice as I looked in the teapot, and the voice continued "I have travelled to you from a parallel teapot universe with a message."
"You're Teapot Me with a message," I said.
"I know and I want you to know what the message is, the message is this, this is the message, this message is this, I've forgotten what the message is, the message is I've forgotten it. Now I must leave you."

It was a lot to remember but I did my best and it's helped me ever since.

Holiday Photo

This person was on holiday and wanted his photo taken with a typical local person as a souvenir, so I suggested myself then showed him a local wall that's good for sight-seeing. Then I sang to him by shouting..

I'M WALKING IN THE AIRRRR
IT'S GOOD TO GET ABOUT
THEN I BLOW EVERYWHERRRRE
AND *pffff... ...ffffftt* BLOW IT ALL OUT!!!"

I offered him a guided tour of fences and walls but he said he had to go.

Orders

I was shown where the menu was before I ordered and said, "I only want the jacket potato if it's got it's trousers on and the chef must have his on too. I would also like to order a pint of cappucinno without a cap, and after that I will have a chocolate cack. Thank you my good man."

Having A Laugh

"So anyway," I continued "here's another one of my jokes...
Who is the world's smallest detective?
... Molecule Poirot!!
AAAAHH HAA HAAAAAAAAA!!!"





"You get it? Instead of Hercule Poirot it's MOLECULE Poirot... HHAAAAA HOO... a molecule is very small WOOOAAAAAHHHH HAAAAA HA HAAAAARRGGHH!!!!!!!"

Newspaper

I was reading about The Velvet Underground and found out they were'nt made of velvet, and it also said the underground was'nt under the ground.

I don't know if I should believe the newspaper sometimes.
"Shut up," I said "you big wind-bag of lies.. you're not news or made of paper and ANYONE CAN SEE THAT!!!"

Telephone

"Hello, I don't know where my deckchair is," I said.
"Who is this?" asked someone.
"This is BoiledEggInADeckChair. Who are you?"
"This is MI6, hold the line a moment whilst I put you through to someone.... .... ....Hello, this is MI6 Deckchair Department, it appears you've lost your deckchair."
"Yes I know. Can you tell me where it is?"
"No it's a secret, but if you find it then let us know and we'll tell you where it is because it won't be a secret anymore."
"That sounds like a good idea, thank you."

Spinning Tunes

"Yo DJ," I said "I have travelled to yo from the other side (of the dance floor) word up. CAN YOU HEAR ME!!?? I think that you think you can control people's thinking with your dial controls."




"But I want you to know that it's me who controls you, so if you don't spin 'Black Betty' by The Ram Jam Band on your decks I'll drink your beer and piss up your T-shirt."




He said "spin on this" and suddenly I spun...





...until the inside of my mind travelled to the other side, and then it went up the chimney and into the night sky, and I began to sing...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE OUTSIDE
OF MY MIND HAS GONE
I THINK IT WANTS TO HIDE
AND SOUND LIKE A GONG
GONE WRONG."

"WRONG GONG RON!!!

LONG GONE GONG!!!!

DING DONG BONG!!!!!!"